Notes on Self-sabotage

I am the Queen of the side-hustle, but lately I’ve been hankering for something more… stable. It’s a new arena for me. I’m not a big planner. I thrive on procrastination. But it works. I’ve excelled at most of the things I’ve done, albeit the fact that they’ve all been done at the last minute.

But I want change. I want to buy a condo and pay taxes and come home tired and crank open a bottle of wine because I can’t be bothered to cook myself dinner. I want a full-time job. 

So I’ve been interviewing and interviewing. And with each interview, I find my laissez-faire lifestyle creeping in, in the form of the most ridiculous examples of self-sabotage. Like when I’m asked about how well I interface with high-ranking executives. Which is kind of all I ever do in my main side-hustle of running a non-profit and begging high-ranking executives to give me money. But I blank out and give mediocre examples of getting high-ranking executives coffee at a conference I planned. What?! I don’t get it. It’s like I don’t want good things for myself. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself about wanting stability, a paycheck, a life where I wake up early in the morning and go for a run. I stumble on the simplest questions and ramble on to the point of forgetting the question I was asked, in which instance, I feel like I have no option but to keep rambling.

Earlier today, I interviewed for my dream job. I’m currently saying St Jude’s novena because, although I can’t think of anything I would be more perfect for, the only way I’m going to get it is through some God-given miracle. After it was over, I clasped my hands over my face and sank into the world’s most uncomfortable chair and buried feelings of insecurity and regret from the awkward years (ages 11 to 22). It was a strange combination of embarrassment and regret. I usually tape my Skype interviews so I can torture myself with them later, but this viewing party may just require more wine than I can afford right now.

Why do we sabotage ourselves? It can’t just boil down to something as reductive as latent self-hatred. And I’m speaking as a narcissist. It’s an issue that requires more introspection on my part, but Stable Future Me doesn’t revel in introspection. Stable Future Me is confident and self-assured and doesn’t downplay her achievements or forget them altogether. Stable Future Me would not hire me and would probably pay no attention to interceding Saints on the matter either.

 

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